Being Single by Bryan Panlilio

Being Single

by Bryan Panlilio on Tuesday, November 30, 2010 at 5:23am

Since many sex addicts are single, we felt this was an important page to include in our site. I am writing this page for the person who has placed faith in Jesus Christ and desires to live for God.  If you have not placed faith in Jesus, please visit our Salvation Steps page.

It's hard to wait.  The Bible says, “The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him”

(Lamentations 3:25 NKJV).   Sometimes it is difficult to wait on God for the things that we want or need.  When I was a young teen, I remember how the hormones raged.  Sexual thoughts were often on my mind.  The idea of waiting till I was twenty-something to be married and enjoy sex did not sit well with me.  In my pride and impatience, I turned to masturbation, pornography and girlfriends to satisfy my burning desires. 

Waiting on God is perhaps most difficult when we’re hoping and praying that the right person will come across our path for marriage.  Whether you're young and fighting hormones, or older and fighting depression, trusting that God will meet your needs for companionship and affection is a challenge.  Our faith in God can weaken when we face questions like,  “Will I ever be able to enjoy sex in marriage?,” or “Will I be single all my life?,” or “Why do the married people get to enjoy the gift of sex and I have to do without?,” Or “Has God forgotten about me?”

Let me encourage you that God has good plans for you. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (NIV).  It takes a step of faith to believe that God has GOOD plans for us, especially if we’re getting older and things don’t seem to be happening.

Think about Abraham, who was about 85 when God told him he would have a son.  15 years later, Sarah gave birth to Isaac.  I'll bet that those 15 years were long and quiet, making it very difficult for Abraham to continue believing what God had told him.  Waiting for marriage can be a similar challenge of faith.  The Bible tells you that God has good plans for you…that he will crown you with “lovingkindness and tendermercies” (Psalm 103:4), yet it's hard to believe that when hope for a spouse seems to be fading.  Remember that God is the God of the impossible (Matthew 19:26).  Even when it looks like things aren’t going to happen, he can work a miracle for you.  

Suggestions to help you stay pure as a single:

Don't look at porn and/or masturbate:  We make our situation as a single incredibly more difficult by doing things that set our mind and eyes on lust.  Pornography and masturbation are often touted as harmless sexual release for singles.   Far from harmless, porn pierces our minds with evil thoughts, while masturbation reinforces the addictive thought patterns.

Ask God for sexual provision.  If you desire to marry, I encourage you to ask God for a wonderful spouse and trust that he will bring him or her to you in his time.  When God created Adam, he recognized Adam’s need for a wife.  He said, "It is not good for the man to be alone." God decided to tailor-make Eve for him, and brought her to him. Adam was elated, as Eve was everything he had hoped for (and more).

Seek God: After you've asked God for a spouse, use the time between now and then to seek God and work on your relationship with him.  God tells us, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well"(Matthew 6:33 NIV).  A great marriage can certainly be part of the things that God will give you, if you seek His kingdom first.  Whenever you are tempted to get anxious about not having a spouse yet, call to mind Philippians 4:6-7 and recite it to yourself and receive God’s peace.  I find this is very effective in my own walk for the things I am believing God for.

Don't look around at other people and their situations.  It is so easy to look around and wonder why God blessed other people and not you.  Keep in mind that you are specially designed and unique. God has a special purpose and plan for your life that is unlike anyone else’s.  Their situations and purposes in life are different from yours.   

Ask Jesus for help in resisting temptations.  Remember that you have Jesus with you at all times.  His Spirit – the Holy Spirit – lives with you and in you as a Christian.  Jesus is well acquainted with the challenges of living single.  He lived as a single man for more than 30 years.  The Bible tells us he faced every temptation imaginable (sexual included) and is therefore able to sympathize with us in every temptation we face.  He is able to aid us in resisting temptations (Hebrews 2:17-18; Hebrews 4:15).  When you pray to him for help in resisting temptations, feel free to tell him your frustrations – he understands and will help you.

Fight the lies with the truth:  The devil aims to weaken our faith and lure us into sin.  Every argument he presents is based on lies.  The truth breaks the power of the devil's lies.  When we know the truth, we are set free from the bondage of lies (John 8:31-32)  

Lie  & Truth

Lie - "I'm all alone"

Truth: God is with you at all times. His Spirit lives in you as a follower of Jesus (Romans 8:10-13).  God has adopted you as a son (Romans 8:15-16). 

Lie - "God has no plan for my life"

Truth: God has good plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11-14). He wants to bless you with good things (Psalm 103:2-5).  If you honor him with your life, he will honor you (Psalm 5:12). 

Lie - "I can't resist these temptations"

Truth: With God's help, you can resist every temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13, Romans 8:11,13)

Lie - "You're worthless if you aren't sexually active"

Truth: You are highly valued by God (Psalm 139:13-18). Sex outside marriage is sin. You grieve God when you're a sexually active single. Living in sexual purity as a single honors God.  It is a form of spiritual worship (Romans 12:1-2). Though the world may mock you, you are pleasing God.  He will bless you accordingly (Lamentations 3:25, Matthew 5:6,7,10-12).

Lie - "I have a right to enjoy sex as a single"

Truth: Your Creator made you with an intricate design.  Your sexuality is a powerful part of who you are.  Because sex creates bonds between people emotionally, physically and spiritually, God commanded that it only be done in the security and commitment of marriage.  This maximizes intimacy and security for the children that may be created as a result.  Sex is a gift from God to those who commit to marriage.  Your "right" to enjoy sex as a single is nothing more than your freewill to commit sin.

Lie - "Sex is a basic need for existence"

Truth: You can live without sex.  Granted, the desire for sexual affection may be very strong, but it is possible to abstain.   Paul, Jesus and John the Baptist were single people who proved singlehood without sex is possible.  Paul suggested in his writings that singlehood can be a gift from God (1 Corinthians 7:1,7,8).  He also pointed out that a single person can focus their attention on pleasing God with undivided interests, where married people cannot do so (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

Lie - "God is punishing me for my sin by keeping me single"

Truth: Since Jesus bore all the punishment for our sin on the cross, God is no longer angry with us when we sin.   The natural consequences of our sin can often seem like God is punishing us when in reality we are simply reaping what we had sown.  Though God may not remove the consequences of our sin, he does offer forgiveness and healing.  The other possibility is that our circumstances having nothing to do with sin in our life.  It may be that God has a different timetable for us than we expected.   Hopefully, we will trust God for the right timing for everything in our lives and continue to follow him.

Lie - "My marriage won't be successful if I'm not a sexual superstar on my wedding night"

Truth: You may be chuckling at this one, but it is a clever lie to make us feel like the wedding night is a trial.   People feel compelled to be sexually skilled in order for their mate to love and accept them.  They may look at porn or experiment with premarital sex to increase their "skill level."   The truth is that the less sexually experienced you are going in to your wedding night the better.  The less sexual memory baggage you have, the less likely you are to be comparing your spouse with former lovers or porn stars.  The wedding night should be the beginning of a wonderful marriage sex life where you and your mate grow in intimacy together.   The best sex occurs when your intimacy level is highest, and it takes time to build intimacy.   Each person is wired a little differently, and part of the joy of marriage is getting to know what your spouse enjoys.

Finally, have you considered that being single is an excellent opportunity to develop your relationship with God?  The Apostle Paul was one of the Bible’s great single people.  He pointed out several ways that being single helps your relationship with God. 

Let's look at this passage: 

1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. 8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 28But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. 32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. 35I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. 36If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin--this man also does the right thing. 1 Corinthians 7:1,7-9,28,32-37 NIV

Summarizing:

• It is good to remain unmarried, provided you can keep yourself from burning with passion (1,8-9).  If you can be settled in mind and in control of your will, you will be better off in not marrying (37). 
•  Marriage causes trouble in the flesh – “physical and earthly troubles” (Amplified Bible, 28).  Married people naturally have their devotion divided between pleasing God and their spouse (33).  
• Singlehood can be a gift from God (7).  Like Jesus and Paul, people who have this gift are uniquely empowered to live and serve God. They can be content to live without sex.
• Single people have the opportunity to be completely devoted to pleasing the Lord and doing his work, without the distractions of marriage (32-35). 

All of us will be single for at least part of our lives.  If we can devote ourselves completely to God while we're single, we'll be much better prepared for whatever plans God has for us down the road.